Grief and the Adopted Child

Within most circles, the adoption of a child is a joyous event. Have you seen those “gotcha day” Instagram posts? Most people are very happy for the parents and it is celebrated. 

But one thing that I have always noticed missing is the acknowledgement that this happy event has roots of intense trauma and that the child is grieving. 

When I was a young mom, I read a lot of Christian parenting books. One of the things that I learned early on was that for my child, how they experience me is how they will experience God. As my child grows, their understanding of who God is and who they are, will be shaped by their relationship with me.

If you don’t believe in God, this is still true. Your child’s experience of you will be the foundation upon how they view themselves and understand the world. It will affect their behaviors, their self-esteem, their future relationships, and their personality.

So then, what happens when this person (who is like God) rejects you? What happens when God says, “although you came from my body and I created you, I do not want you”? “You are a part of me, go away”?

Your adopted child has been traumatized by the most emotionally and physically painful rejection a person could ever experience. This is such an incredibly difficult thing to recognize but it’s true.

Understanding this pain is how an adopted child should be cared for.

Well meaning people who exclaim to the child how lucky they are to have gotten adopted have no idea that that is not how the child is feeling. If anything, the juxtaposition of the happiness of the adults around them and the sadness within them causes even more confusion.

Most people just can’t understand how the child can’t be happy because they came from a bad situation and are now in a good one. That is taking your own life’s experiences and views and placing them onto another. This child, at this point in their life, only has the one truth, which is that they were rejected.

For parents, I think accepting the grief is so hard because on our end, welcoming a new child is such a happy time and a huge life milestone. And if you came to adoption at the end of a fertility journey, most likely, you’ve had your time to grieve and are in a better place. But for your child, the grieving journey is just beginning.