Who or What Is Controlling You?

A couple of years ago, an old client returned due to anxiety and depression because of financial issues. Career-wise, he is a very successful.

In mid-life, he was now getting much more serious about learning about the stock market and investing. He had made a good amount of money, only to end up losing a significant amount of it.

His struggles around financial insecurities were something we had already discussed before, so we were able to just jump right into it. It came down to him again, lashing out in rage against his father.

As a child, he had suffered a lot of financial insecurity because of his father’s inability to handle money. The financial insecurity experienced in childhood, shaped much of his current day experiences, compulsions, behaviors, and mindset.

The Past Cannot Control Us

Childhood trauma is real. It is a huge contributor in shaping our behaviors as adults. Anyone who minimizes childhood trauma and the effects it can have on us is being foolish. If we cannot accurately understand ourselves and our life, how can we possibly improve and grow as people?

BUT…

We also cannot remain in the trauma. We have to be able to think about it, process it, grieve about it, care for ourselves, heal, so that we can move forward.

Otherwise, our past is what is controlling our present-day life. Your past is the one that is calling the shots, and it is a miserable way to live. Because who wants to feel out of control? Being out of control of our life and ourselves is a recipe for mental health struggles.

Because as we all know, there is literally nothing any of us can do about the past. So other than to use the past as rich fertilizer for us to grow in wisdom and beauty, what good is the past for?

So as my client was lashing out at his father, I quietly asked him:

At what point is it not about your dad anymore?

At what point is it not his fault?

Because right now you are older than your dad was while he was raising you with all that financial insecurity because of his dumb decisions.

You have not lived with him, nor been under his control, nor had to live with the consequences of his dumb decisions for over 3 decades now.

You have been independent longer than you were dependent on him.

Right now, you have what you always wanted as a child, which is independence and control over your own life.

Are you telling me that you had no control over losing all that money? Because if you had no control, then someone needs to take all of it away from you because what you are saying is you cannot be trusted with your own money.

Is this correct?

As adults, if you are seeking to have peace and joy in your life, you cannot be under the control of anything. Including your trauma. And with trauma, you don’t “get over it”. You grow through it and your identity must grow bigger and stronger than your trauma.

Because if you don’t grow bigger and stronger than your trauma, you are under the control of it.

All the best,

Ruth

“All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.” 1 Cor 6:12

“Whoever has no rule over his own spirit, is like a city broken down, without walls.” Prov 25:28

(All stories are always shared with permission and all identifying details have been changed)